We Do Have A Choice

The world is both light and dark. At times its easy to forget that both have an important part in creating a complete life experience. When things seem to be the darkest, you must remember that you have a choice to let the darkness take over or turn to the light. Choosing to forgive helps you turn towards the light rather than away from it. Everything we do, and every choice we make either moves us closer to the light or further away from it. When I say light, I'm talking about positivity and humanity, total peace. Sometimes I react in a way that is negative. I get jealous of people who I love dearly when I should be happy for them. I let the darkness of loneliness fill my heart instead of the gratitude and hopefullness for the chance of love for others. When I allow my jealous side to take over, I am my most primordial, and can let that feeling consume me. I become filled with darkness and can only see the darkness in the world around me. I have to train myself to "catch" me from falling into that trap.

Happiness Lies In Your Own Hand

This Red String

Every thought I make sends out vibrations into the world. Positive ideas radiate just as negative ones do. The chaos I experience in my world is created by me, and I've lived my life in a reactive state, letting my emotions yo-yo from one thing to the next. Who is responsible for the life I've led? Who is responsible for the way my life's been so far? I wish that it would magically transform and improve on its own, but the only way to make that happen is to take responsibilty for my thoughts and words. Which is a lot harder than it sounds because I have to believe with every fiber of my being that the way I've seen myself for the last 10 years, and how I've let other's see me is not really me at all. I've lived my life the way I wanted to see it. I'll still live my life the way I want to see it. How I see it will be whats different. How I experience It will be better.

How Do You See it?

My world is an exact reflection of how I see it. I see a world where my friends have it better off than I do. Where no one has to try harder than I do. Where life is especially unfair for me. Where I'll never save a penny, or get a better job. I live in a world where I always have to compromise and drive my friends everywhere. Where I get the short end of the stick. I see a world where my friends keep at arms-length, where my best friend avoids me. I see a world where I've never been in love with someone I've dated. Where all my friends are able to easily get the boyfriends they want. Where I feel like I force myself onto guys. I live in a world that finds me unnatractive. Where no one approaches me in a club or will talk to me online once they see my picture. This is the world I've created. This Is the World I've lived in for the last 10 years. I've accepted this view and everything is colored with its stain. And it feeds on itself. Its a self fulfilling prophecy. People act towards me the way imagine them too. It reinforces those voices deep inside that remind me of my world. You see, its a whole lot easier to be a victim of circumstance. And no matter how you dress it up with fancy clothes and expensive things, your worth is all in your eyes. People can see how you see yourself. They can smell it. How you see yourself is important, but how you see your world makes all the difference.

Insomnia

There's nothing worse than not being able to sleep cause you've had too much caffeine. Your mind is too wound up, and your body is exhausted. It brings to mind how adaptive our bodies are. You could be locked into a routine for months then within a matter of days (a three day weekend) your internal clock has gone to hell. Our bodies are physical manifestations of our way of life. Have you ever seen a really active fat person? The life we live in our dreams is just as important as in our waking lives, and its upsetting to think that being able to function on minimal amounts of sleep is encouraged. The time that is spent alone in repose is sacred. Why is it that when I can't sleep, none of the millions of thoughts that are racing through my mind have anything to do with being grateful for what I have and hopeful for things that I want?

What's Wrong?

I have no hobbies. Some people play musical instruments, others follow or even play sports. Then there are those who collect things like figurines, stamps, coins. I don't think I'm that different than any of the countless others that have full time jobs and commute to work. But there in lies the problem. I'm not passionate about anything. I like clothes, shopping, magazines, music, dancing, art, performances, architecture, design, video, film. So I guess I like media?! I appreciate the way a tailored suit jacket feels on my arm hole. The hair on my arm stands on end and I get goose bumps when I hear a great song. I've teared up at concerts when lighting and music and performance gel together. I love the feeling of dancing to a favourite song. But does that count? Who's counting? I have an artistic leaning and am bothered with my role as a consumer. I guess that's what's wrong. This restless feeling comes from my consuming. When I look back at the last 10 years of my life I have loyally consumed and although I have felt the yearnings of creating, I have sat back and allowed time to pass as others have influenced how I experience my world. I haven't painted anything in years, nor have I coreographed anything. I haven't drawn in months. I had a lot of trouble writing because my laziness has even atrophied my creative muscle. I drove around in circles today because I knew that if I stopped at the mall I would of bought a shirt. If I stopped at the bookstore I would have bought a magazine. If I stopped at Target who knows what I would have come home with.